Actual Signs & Announcements

Actual Signs in "English" from All the World
Witty Signs
Actual Church Bulletins
 

Humor from http://www.nlightning.com/jokes.html

Here are some signs and notices written in (attempted) English that were discovered throughout the world.  You have to give the writers an "E" for Effort...or not.
 

Sign in a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

Sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The life is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

Sign in a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

Sign in a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of  9 and 11 a.m. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Sign in a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Sign in the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Sign in a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order our summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

Sign in a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Sign in a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Sign in a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

Sign in a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

Sign in a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
(I can testify to that! In more than one sense of the word. EM)

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Sign in a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Sign in an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Sign in a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

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Other Actual Signs!
(Unlike the signs above, these signs reveal a sense of humor)

In the front yard of a funeral home,
  "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck,
  "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop,
  "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a nonsmoking area,
  "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are
   on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door,
  "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door,
  "Everyone on the premises is a
    vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office,
  "If you don't see what you're looking for,
   you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window,
  "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window,
  "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence,
  "Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership,
  "The best way to get back on your feet -
    miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop,
  "No appointment necessary.
   We'll hear you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium,
  "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room,
  "We shoot every 3rd salesman,
    and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room,
  "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"

In a Beauty Shop,
  "Dye now!"

In a restaurant window,
  "Don't stand there and be hungry,
   come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley,
  "Please be quiet.
   We need to hear a pin drop."

In a cafeteria,
  "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
    Socks can eat any place they want."

---

Actual Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins
 

1. Thursday night, potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

2. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

3. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
    downstairs.

4. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
    Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

5. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
    Children will be baptized at both ends.

6. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
    please come early.

7. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing
    "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

8. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
    All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

9. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an
     egg on the altar.

10. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start,
      and the rest of the congregation will join in.

11. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will
      follow.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
      carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet should come
      forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
      seen in the church basement on Friday.