Enjoy these, and keep in mind, they're actual newspaper headlines!

Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Governor's Penis Busy (should be "Pen Is")
Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son
Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position
Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies In House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '97
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training